Monday, December 7, 2015

Baby H: Week 19 (times two)

One more week till we're halfway and I cannot believe it. It seems like time is just flying by and I have a feeling once the new year hits it'll seem like no time before there's a new baby in our arms. I'm up 9-10 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight which is about where I was the first time too. My appetite has decreased and I'm trying to make better food choices/eat less sweets in general lately. While everything ended up being okay in the long run, I hated how crappy I felt after my 20 week ultrasound last time so I'm hitting the ground running and hoping to avoid those feelings this time.

My body definitely isn't as happy this pregnancy as it was the first time which is complicated. I mentioned all the morning sickness/GI issues I was having in the beginning and now we've moved on to lots of aches and pains. My SI joint on the right side bothered me with Mark but two things are different this time. One I'm feeling it a whole lot earlier this time and two it's a lot more painful. One of my med school ladies worked on it a few weeks ago which helped but it's really been flaring up this week especially if I go from sitting for a while to standing/walking too quickly. I've also been having some low right belly pain on and off for a while now. At first it was feeling almost like cyclic ovarian pain (which is interesting because they noted on an ultrasound that there was a cyst on that side) and now I'm not sure if it's that or just low belly pain. It's always on the right side, I can point to exactly where it hurts and it's sharp and stabby. I took extra notice of it on Friday and was honestly a little nervous about it because it was pretty significant. Thankfully I was able to sit for a while, drink a lot of water and it ended up going away but it's definitely strange to say the least.

This coming week I start working two weeks of nights for my internal medicine rotation, aka 7pm to 7am and honestly I'm really nervous about it. I'm nervous that I won't be able to see my Marky boy as much as I want to. I'm nervous that I'm going to have a hard time adjusting to different sleep patterns. I'm nervous I'm going to end up starving without something to eat at an odd hour in the night. And all this complicated by the fact that there's a little one growing in my belly. I know there are plenty of working mommas who end up on night shifts and that I'll be able to figure it out one way or another but one things for sure I'm definitely not looking forward to the demands of it.

And speaking of being nervous, I have recently found myself thinking towards the end of April/beginning of May and having more anxiety/nervousness/fear than excitement/eagerness/joy and I hate feeling that way. My labor with Mark was so fast and I almost feel like I have a bit of PTSD about how the whole thing went down. Laboring to complete without any medication in less than 6 hours was dramatic for me and they say second babies come even quicker than the first. I'm anxious about being on a rotation when contractions start. I'm nervous about making sure Mark is taken care of should we need to run to the hospital. I'm scared I'll need something from J and won't be able to express it because I can't wrap my brain around what's happening to my body. When I find myself feeling and thinking these things I do my best to remember what a beautiful gift a brand new baby is, I try to remember that my body is meant to do this and I hope that going through it once before gives me wisdom to do it again but it's definitely unnerving to already be thinking these things and not quite know what to do about it. I know deep in my heart that everything will be okay in the end as long as this sweet babe and I are healthy on the other side I just need to be better about telling myself that in my moments of weakness. Being a momma has been the best thing that's ever happened to me and I am beyond grateful to get to do it again, no matter how I get there.

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