Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Being a Momma

Mark made me a momma. 
And being his momma has been so much better and more rewarding that I ever imagined. But it's also so much harder and more stressful that I ever thought possible. 

I find myself doubtful all the time. Is he getting enough to eat? Am I loving him the way that I should be? Are we creating bad habits that will be hard to break? Every decision, every choice we have to make for this little boy is something that I contemplate far too long about. Pacis? Scented lotion? Bringing him in bed with us? Taking him out in the cold? How can I possibly know the answer to every question all while be responsible for every choice that I make.

I beat myself up sometimes that I'm not being the perfect momma for him. I have gotten too frustrated when his crying can't be soothed and sometimes find myself crying right along with him. I've dealt with a starving baby who refuses to nurse leaving me feeling more defeated than I've ever been before. I hate leaving him for hours on end when I have to be at school because I should be the one at home to nurse him, to sing to him, to snuggle him. We don't have the relationship that I hear some moms talk about. He doesn't instantly soothe in my arms after crying with someone else. Is that because I'm not around enough? Or is that because he's a high-needs baby? He doesn't nurse to sleep, ever. Does that mean he's still hungry and I'm failing him? Or is he just ready to play with a fully belly?
Being a momma is tough. It's hard work, physically and emotionally. I'm tired and I find myself feeling like I'll never get a full nights sleep again. It's constant and I battle between wishing for a break and feeling guilty when I wander down an extra aisle at Target just to spend a tad more time out of the house on my own.  

But the thing is, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Mark is my son and the second best thing that's ever happened in my life shortly following falling in love with his daddy. He is bits and pieces of each of us, combined into this perfect, screaming, feisty, smiling little boy and I would do anything for him. The love that I have for him has surpassed my greatest expectations and makes all the tears, all the heartbreak, all the sleepless nights so, so worth it. 

I would move mountains for you, baby boy, if it meant that you were happy.

2 comments:

  1. beautiful post!!! it is so hard sometimes but SO worth it and SO rewarding!!! a smile from them makes all the crys worth it! :)

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  2. The guilt can take over sometimes, but know you are doing the best you can for your family and little one. He sounds like my first that was very high needs. It doesn't help that it's your first one. I always had those feelings but just try to remember that It won't be like this for long (country song). They eventually will sleep (and so will you) and you won't be the sole food provider forever. It's a lot to take on especially with med school. You'll look back and wonder if it was really that bad, and then you'll have another :)

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