Tuesday, March 30, 2010

on putting my face on

I was inspired by Tiffany's blog posts in Will Work For Makeup. And it just so happened that I actually spent the time today to put on make-up and thought I'd mimic her blog and show you my Face-Of-The-Day. Now I am not nearly as talented as she is with make-up application. Plus I don't own nice make-up/a lot of it but this is my attempt :-)

Cover Girl- Liquid Powder in buff beige
Clinique- Blush Wear Cream Stick in rosy blush

Origins- Underwear For Lids
Almay- Intense I-Color in black pearl
Maybelline- Define-A-Lash in very black
Maybelline- Twilight Rays shadow pallet

So thanks again to Tiffany for inspiring this post, who knows, maybe I'll even end up doing another one at some point. In other news, my mom and sister are currently on their way to San Diego right now. They should be here shortly and then we're off to Ikea for some wonderful shopping. Similar to my love of Michaels, as mentioned before, I also love Ikea. Basically I want to have a house/condo/apartment that is ours so I can actually do some real decorating. It's so hard to decorate a place that you're renting. Hopefully this will change soon. We're going to dinner in Hillcrest tonight, Birch Aquarium and wetsuit shopping tomorrow, then it's off to Littleton for a much needed change in scenery. I'll try to post pictures/stories soon.

Monday, March 29, 2010

on crafts to cleaning

I have had an interesting few days lately. I've gone from one extreme to the other in terms of my mood in just a matter of the weekend. Isn't it funny how things can change so quickly, just like the weather in good old Littleton. (You might not understand that metaphor if you're not from the 303, but believe me, the weather is bipolar sometimes.) Most importantly though it's made me realize a few things about my life, things that I take for granted and should really cherish more.

1. Feeling in a crafty mood the other day, I decided to make a trip to Michael's. I miss making things from scratch, adding your own touch to something fun and the feeling you get when you see something you've made as compared to something you bought. While I have no real "handy-man" skills I'd like to think that I'm capable of putting in the effort to make something or even creative enough to make something pretty. So I wandered around trying to limit the things that I bought because really, I could buy everything in that store. I saw the new floral-stems out for spring and knew instantly I wanted to make something with them. Even though it's been warm here for a while now, seeing those flowers made it really seem like spring. The lack of seasons is part of why I love Southern California but it makes the transition from winter to spring much less noticeable. So I decided to make a center piece for our table that would bring the feeling of spring into our apartment. I didn't realize how good it would make me feel to have this new creation. I think its pretty cute if I do say so myself and it was cheap which is a plus.
Flower pot= $1.29
Spring floral-stems= 2/$3
Ribbon= $1
Floral tape= $2.29
Easter Grass= $1
Bic pens= Free
Total= less than $10

It's sorta hard to tell but the stems of the flowers have pens on them. Yes I know, they're just like the ones that you see at doctor's offices but I like them. Plus it makes our new center piece functional as well as visually-appealing. I used pens we had around our apartment already so this addition didn't make the project any more expensive. And another plus is that I have more of everything to either make more or to buy different flowers for the summer/fall/whenever I want to change the decor. I also found a set of two 16x20in. canvases on sale while at Michael's. I've been saying that I wanted to paint a canvas for a long time now I just never wanted to spend the money to do it. So when I saw the sale I had to buy them. I have not bought any paint as of right now because I'm still trying to decide what I want them to look like but I will have more details about this project to come.

2. This weekend has made me realize a lot about my relationship with Jeff, all of it good. In the past I've found myself comparing our relationship to others around us. And I've been guilty in the past of stirring up a fight based on some sort of jealousy I had towards the others. I've been known to say "why can't you be more like insert name here and do the things he does?" or "I wish our relationship was more like so and so's." But something about this weekend made me realize that I was acting so childish when I would start those fights and get upset about those things. Because the truth is, no two relationships will ever be the same and it's honestly stupid for me to want my relationship to be another's. I'm with Jeff for a reason and it's him and his traits that make me happy, not someone else's. We fit each other like a glove and I should never want him to act differently than himself, just as he never wants me to be anyone but myself. No matter what he might do or what he might say, we're in this for the long haul and I take comfort in the security of our relationship. I can act stupid and throw a fit about something I shouldn't but I know he will always be by my side. I cherish the fact that we can fight but that in the end we will be together.

"When you get home, she'll start to cry.
When she says 'I'm sorry' say 'So am I'
And look into those eyes so deep in love,
And drink it up.
'Cause that's the good stuff."
~Kenny Chesney- The Good Stuff
♥ ♥ ♥

3. After a pair of my sandals accidently got broken last week I've been meaning to get a new pair to replace them. I have a weird obsession with sandals and really, shoes in general because I believe certain outfits/occasions need specific shoes. As soon as my old pair broke the thought "what shoes will I wear in this situation now" popped into my head so it was just a matter of time before I bought new ones. And I did, just yesterday. Now I should add a disclaimer at this point because what I've been saying makes it seem like I spend way too much money on a pair of shoes I'll wear only a couple of times... my new shoes are from Target, as were the pair that got broken. I am in no way a girl that rushes to the Steve Madden store to spend $80 on a pair of summer shoes when I have other sandals at home. I buy new things but always try to spend as little money as possible. With this said, I love my new purchase.

I must say, the pedicure I gave myself the other day looks wonderful with my new shoes ;-)
These sandals are different from anything else that I own which is part of the reason I knew I needed them. I wasn't simply buying another pair of black flip-flops that were identical to ones I already owned. I think they make a wonderful addition to my wardrobe.

4. I spent today doing laundry, cleaning our apartment, and studying. Sounds like a horrible day right? But I've actually enjoyed every moment of today. Sometimes I get in the mood to play house-wife for the day and there's something about cleaning a messy apartment that is extremely rewarding. When the bedroom is cluttered with dirty laundry and a few hours later everything is folded and hung up the room seems brighter. I even treated myself to washing the sheets on our bed which is something we don't do every week. But I must say that I love crawling into bed on fresh sheets. I think I like cleaning because it has an obvious ending. You can see the stains on the counter from pasta sauce and coffee disappear, you can see the faucets become shiny again. Basically, today has been a great day and I plan to finish it off by making a delicious dinner of tortallini for Jeff when he comes home from golf.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

on being able to relax

Spring break could not have come sooner. I thought this semester was going to be my easiest one yet but I still find myself stressing out.

Stressing out about MCAT studying.
Stressing out about committee.
Stressing out about lab reports.
Stressing out about interviews.
Stressing out about exams.
Stressing out about presentations.

I guess what gets me the most is that I anticipated it being different. I anticipated having more down time and more time to relax. But that's exactly the reason I'm glad its spring break... finally. While I wish that I had the life where I could go on vacation and sit on the beach for the whole break, I'm most excited to have some time to relax. Its been so nice and so needed to be able to do absolutely today. I spent the day in sweats, watching Say Yes To The Dress and Keeping Up With The Kardashians while painting my nails and eating left-over pizza from dinner. (Yes I'm guilty of enjoying these shows.) And the best part of today is that I don't feel bad about any of it.

I don't have the creeping voice in my head saying I need to get things done. It's not telling me that there's laundry to do or that we don't have anything for dinner or that I need to be productive. While the rest of my break is going to be spent studying for my MCAT and spending time with my family, I have taken full advantage of a day for myself. Maybe I'll decide to shower and get dressed at some point but if I don't, there's always tomorrow. Maybe I'll manage to find something to make for dinner but if I don't, I'll eat a bowl of cereal. Maybe I can find something to be productive doing or maybe I'll read some of the book I'm in the middle of. Maybe, maybe not. And I'm completely okay with that.

+On a side note, I am very excited for my mom and sister to come to SD for a few days. It will be really great to have them in town. And I am also very excited to go home for a few days. I miss my house in Littleton and my family and plan to mix in a few fun excursions amidst my studying.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

on my caffein addiction

So I've been trying to cut back on the amount of caffein and more specifically coffee that I have lately because I think it's starting to have negative effects on me. For a long time, back when I didn't drink coffee as often, I always had to eat something with it. It's almost as if it would be too acidic on my stomach and too strong. I'd end up with a stomach ache and feeling really jittery. Neither of those things happen to me anymore which was my first sign that I was becoming too used to it.

Then I started getting headaches from not having coffee. I'd sleep in and know that I didn't need the coffee to wake me up. But I'd always end up with a headache. I knew they weren't just normal headaches either because I'd make myself drink more water thinking "oh maybe I'm just dehydrated" and I even resorted to taking a couple Tylenol (something I normally don't do) but the headaches would not go away. The only thing that would make these headaches go away was to either take a nap or drink coffee. I honestly felt like a crack addict some days. I was getting the headaches because my body was so used to the caffein and wasn't getting it anymore. And that's when I decided to stop drinking it as much.

But here's the biggest problem I have with my new change; I love coffee. For me, drinking coffee in the mornings is always more because I enjoy drinking it than because I needed it to wake myself up. I love making it myself instead of buying it from Starbucks because it's much more custom that way. I love the taste and the warmth and the smell. I love the idea of waking up every morning, sitting at the table, drinking coffee and eating a bowl of cereal. I love it because it's sort of like my little routine, my little daily tradition. And I think all of these reasons contribute to the fact that my body was becoming addicted to it. I wasn't just drinking it when I needed it to get through the morning but rather I was drinking it because I wanted to.

I told myself that I was only going to drink coffee on days I woke up to an alarm. Simple enough I think. On the days that I don't use my alarm it means I'm waking up when my body is ready to be awake and has gotten enough energy for the day. Now, just to clarify, I'm not going to set an alarm at 10:00 am just to say "I used my alarm today." This way the only effect I'll feel from the lack of daily caffein is tiredness and that is much more normal and healthy then my body being addicted.

I believe humans get a lot done, not because we're smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee.
~Flash Rosenberg

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

on a somewhat normal day

I haven't been writing as much in the last few days as I was previously and as I want to be. Partly because nothing's been going on that deserves writing about. No one wants to hear about going to the same-old classes, reading an article on cystic kidney disease for my presentation, eating dinner and spending the rest of the night watching reruns of Family Guy episodes on Cartoon Network till bed. But also partly because my mind's been somewhere else lately. Well I guess more specifically my mind's been nowhere. I haven't really been motivated for deep thinking and reflecting and learning the last couple days and its shown in my lack of blogging and studying unfortunately. But with all that said....

1. I think I might be too much of a perfectionist because it absolutely kills me when something goes wrong. Even things that aren't a big deal. I've been known to rewrite a to-do list simply because it's not evenly spaced on my sticky note. It's even worse when it comes to things related to school and labs. Last night was a downer in terms of experiments in biochem lab going wrong. Not only did our plates grow bio-films (for those of you non-science people out there, bio-films= definite bad news) but then our DNA experiment didn't work either. And to top it all off, the DNA didn't work because of a stupid calculation error. We got a major stink-eye from our professor for messing up I might add. Yes I know, being a perfectionist isn't the worst characteristic a person can have but by-golly sometimes I wish I didn't care so much.

2. Politics and me have never mixed and for most of my life it will probably stay that way. I've always avoided heated "political discussions" which is just code for arguing with someone because they don't think like you while trying to convert them to the "better side" (whichever side that might be). But this whole heath care bill and more specifically people's reactions to it has really made me not happy. While I admit that I don't know every single detail about every single aspect of this bill, I've looked into it enough to get the gist of it and it shocks me how some people can be against allowing people health care. Seriously people, you want to tell others they don't deserve health care because of money/health problems/our current economy? I don't want to get into the meat and potatoes of the issue right now because that's not who I am but, like I've heard many times in the news lately from the bill's supporters, "Health care is a right, not a privilege." Everyone is human and deserves care when they are sick regardless of what that does to our economy/taxes/etc.

3. In studying for my MCAT, I have completed my Exam Krackers Biology and Physics books as of now. That's 2 out of the 4. I am currently in the midst of reading through the Organic Chemistry book and *knock on wood* plan to have it finished by tomorrow night. My side/secret goal is to have it done today but I'll set the goal for tomorrow so that I don't let myself down if it's not done tonight and so I can feel good about myself if it is done tonight. Aren't I good at making myself seem successful in my own eyes? But really, I'm feeling okay-ish as of right now in terms of studying. I plan to spend my entire spring break devoted to this and I really feel like that's going to make me feel significantly better. It is officially 31 days from today until the big day. I know I'll be ready when the day comes, just not sooo sure of it right now....

4. I found this quote the other day and feel like I can really relate to its message. It makes me realize why I work as hard as I do for my dreams.

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.
If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.
- Herman Cain

Sunday, March 21, 2010

on Betty Crocker's treats

Given the overcast sky and my lack of motivation to do homework and studying, I decided to play homemaker for the day and bake some delicious treats. There's something about baking that makes me think of home. I love the dusting of flour that's always left on the counter from mixing. I love the egg shells lying empty in the sink. I love the measuring cups and the bowls. I love how the apartment is left smelling like grandma's been in town. I love making things from scratch thanks to my wonderful Betty Crocker Cookbook, it literally is "everything you need to know to cook today." Making things at home is much cheaper too I might add which is a definite plus.

So today I decided to make brownies (sadly enough I didn't make these ones from scratch, I'll skip the box-mix next time I promise) and blueberry-chocolate chip muffins. We've been out of dessert items lately and I am guilty of many chocolate cravings in the evenings which is why I made the brownies. I made muffins because I love having something to take on-the-go for breakfast in the morning. My cookbook is so helpful for someone like myself who's done some cooking in my day but am not an expert by any means. There's awesome pictures that help you cook and know when things are done correctly. The muffin pictures show how to tell if they are cooked long enough based on the color, cracks and shape of the tops.

The Wonderful Batter- Before
I like muffin batter much better than brownie batter because it's less tempting to stick your finger in and indulge on the chocolate-y goodness. Ok so yes, I think that technically means I like, even love, brownie batter more and I wouldn't put it past myself to eat half the batter before it's even baked. Jeff usually helps me with this task too ;-)

The Golden Muffins- After

The muffins turned out wonderful. They are just slightly golden and the contrast of the light dough and the deep purple blueberries makes them oh-so pretty. Plus they look great on our new eggplant colored plates from Ikea we bought last weekend! I was a little worried about the blueberry/chocolate chip combination so I had to try one out. I knew I liked the blueberries and chocolate chips separately so I figured the combo would be delicious as well. And I am pleased to say I was right.

The Chewy Brownies- After
The box for the brownies had different recipes depending if you wanted fudge-like brownies or cake-like brownies. I decided to go for the earlier of the two. This meant adding one less egg to the mixture. They turned out a little more sticky/chewy than I anticipated but I'm sure they will still taste great. It just made getting them out of the pan and arranged on the plate a little more difficult. Plus Jeff is much more of a "half-baked brownie fan" as compared to cake-like brownies so I did it for him. :-)

While I have yet to accomplish anything productive for school today, at least I can say I made some yummy treats and made myself happy because of it. It's productive too, just on a different level. Hopefully these treats get eaten quickly so I have a reason to bake again soon.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

on being sun-kissed

There's something about being tan that makes me love myself more than when I'm not tan. I know, it seems a little odd, but I'm always more comfortable with myself when my skin has color to it. Being tan doesn't make me weight less, it doesn't make my muscles more toned, it doesn't change my height, but it makes me feel good and I love that. I know that I like seeing the obvious change being in the sun makes. Seeing the tan lines from where the white meets the tan makes me happy.

But, and this is a serious but, I do not condone tanning beds. Its fake. You should be tan in the summer and white in the winter. It's sorta creepy when someone is overly tanned in the middle of December without spending a month in the Caribbean. People who are obsessed with going and tanning never look natural. Their skin is either an odd shade of orange-- which makes you think they've put on self tanner-- or they resemble leather-- the kind that's meant for couches and shoes. And these are all current things. Can you imagine the wrinkles in twenty-five years?

While I admit that I've been to a tanning bed before, in my defense it was just to be safe. Safe and tanning bed in the same sentence? Let me explain. When my family's taken a vacation where we are going to be on the beach and in the sun the whole time, I sometimes have gone and gotten a base tan. Here's where the safe part comes in. If I was my usual winter-white self, spending a week in Mexico, or Belize or anywhere tropical would have killed, yes killed, my skin. Absolutely frying in the sun for a week on vacation would have been worse than the few times I went for the minimum time in a tanning bed. Plus I believe tanning should be a gradual thing, hence the reason why I always apply sunscreen, even if I'm only going to be out for a little while. And I always drink lots of water and use lots of lotion; good hydration leads to happy, tanned skin.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

on bullies, butt-heads, and people who are mean

I understand that we live in a society that's not perfect because really no one is perfect. I get that everyone has their moments where they yell and scream and get mad about things that don't matter. Everyone's entitled to an occasional temper-tantrum, myself included. And sometimes, in a fit of rage people say things they don't mean, things that are hurtful and shouldn't be said. But the trick is, normal, nice, decent people realize when they're being irrational.

Specifically I'm venting about a confrontation between a professor and myself just last night. And it was all because of the format of a file. In trying to defend myself about the situation and ensure that I got the credit I deserve, I had been emailing with said-professor. For whatever reason, whether he is too busy to deal with students, dislikes me because I'm a science major or because I care about my grades, his emails turned into threats towards my success in the class. For something I didn't even do.

I am willing to accept that I don't do everything right all the time and I get that. But in this situation, I did what I was supposed to do. I [assumed] the file was sent correctly and whether it was my ignorance about computer files or his lack of understanding, a problem resulted. But the worst of it all was that I was left questioning my right to confront him about it. As a student I feel that I have the right to defend myself in all situations where grades are concerned if I feel like I am being wronged. However, since its a writing class all grades are extremely subjective and it flashed through my head "what if he takes his out on me for the rest of the semester?"

PS- the subjectiveness of all english/writing/communication/etc classes is a large part of why I am a science major. Just because someone doesn't like you or your style or because you don't write exactly as they prefer things, they can vary your grade accordingly.

And sadly enough, he is not the first person I have dealt with who will unfairly treat people because of their own personal opinions. When someone tries their hardest, puts in the required (if not more) work, and does nothing wrong, why should they feel bad about themselves? Who gave this professor and the other rude people in the world the authority to say "I don't like you, so tough?" Who put them higher on the totem-pole of life?

So please, everyone, take the time to think before you treat someone unfairly. Before you hurt someone and just walk away not caring. Before you put yourself first in a situation that deserves understanding. Give someone a hug because you care about them. Say thank you and yes please because 2 simple words can completely change the dynamics of a relationship. Think about the feelings of others and whether they deserve the words that are coming out of your mouth. Because in the long run, people are all you have in your life. Do you really want to spend your time here just making people upset?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

on my career decision

I honestly don't remember a day when I didn't know what I "wanted to be when I grow up" and I think I take that for granted. So many people these days go into school undecided but I've been decided since kindergarden. I could not imagine the stress that most college students have because they don't know what to do with their lives. And at some point they have to decide. They have to declare a major in something so that their time going to school isn't just wasted while trying to figure it out.

And how do you decide at that point? How do you say, "well I guess I like this enough to continue with it?" Maybe I have a different mentality about it in the fact that I want to be able to use the degree that I obtain. I don't want to be an english major working at a bank. I don't want to be a psychology major working in a department store. I work hard in the classes I take and want that work to pay off some day in my future. Then there's the other situation where someone knows they like a subject but has no idea what to do with it. Someone loves history but doesn't want to work in a museum or as a teacher or as a writer.... then what? You have a passion and no way to use it. I actually think that's the worse of the two and seriously sympathize with people stuck in that sinking boat.

My mom found a kids book of mine that is falling apart at the seams from being read so much... which book? I Want To Be A Doctor, featuring the one and only Big Bird from Sesame Street. And yes, I received this book when I was maybe four years old. That's how long I've known that I wanted to go into medicine, a whopping 17 years. I've been fortunate enough to never have that little voice in my head whisper to me "are you sure?" Or at least it never stuck around long enough for me to actually consider something else. I've had random thoughts about being something else but most of them were spurred from wanting to do what was cool to all the 10 year olds. Who wouldn't want to be an astronaut when your 5th grade class is studying space?

I've also been fortunate enough to love the field I've chosen and to be pretty good at it too. I'm typically not one to brag about myself and say "look at me and how good I am" but school has always been my thing, it's been what I've been really good at. So whether it's in my genes and I got the gift of smart-ness from my parents or if I've pushed myself hard enough whenever I can, I've been able to succeed in being a bio major and I hope *crosses fingers* that I have a good shot at getting into medicine.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking, ok sweet she's optimistic and has everything going for her doesn't she? And yes it seems that way as of right now but I have a looming decision coming that might change everything. As the girl who has dreamt of being a doctor since she can remember, I don't know what I would do if I don't get into medical school. I've never seriously considering any thing else, any sort of back-up, so I'll be left sitting in the dust if the image of getting into med school doesn't materialize. And yes, this is a very scary thought. Hopefully it doesn't happen, hopefully I get acceptance letters and I don't have to worry about any of this.....

Now I'm going to attempt to pour in as much chemistry as will fit into my already full brain for the rest of the day, wish me luck.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

on a Saturday morning

+ Yesterday I motivated myself to go swim, for the first time in way too long. And by swim I mean actually swim, not just lay by the side of the pool and occasionally dunk myself to cool off. It was a gorgeous day yesterday not to mention that I'm sick of working out in the gym where you run on the treadmill staring at the backs of people's heads wishing it didn't smell like BO and alcohol sanitizer as you're trying to get healthier. (Hostility towards the gym? Ok, I'm guilty.) So, not only was it refreshing to get outside to work out but I realized how much I miss the pool. Now mind you, its probably been a good year and a half since I've swam more than two laps at a given time so I was struggling more than I anticipated, but I loved it. There's just something about being in the pool. You can't hear anyone else's conversation, you're left to your own thoughts or like I was yesterday, left to focus on the sound of your strokes. Its so rhythmic. I love being able to focus on my breath; when I breath in, how long I hold it and when I breath out. Its extremely calming. Plus this is the most sore I've been after a work out in a long time which makes me feel good. Weird right that I associate pain with good, but it means I'm doing something good for myself. So you triceps and lats that I somehow managed to completely forget about for the last year and are throbbing as I sit here, hurry up and feel better so I can go swim again.

+ Even if I wasn't sore today I wouldn't be able to go back to the pool again anyways. Weather yesterday= close to 70. Weather today=57 and cloudy. Come on San Diego, stop teasing me with the gorgeous weather just so you can take it away the next day. It should be shorts weather, it is the middle of March already. ;-) Ok so maybe I'm being a little dramatic but I just want to be tan, wear shorts, go to the beach and for it to be summer already!

+ I attempted a little self photo shoot which lasted all of five minutes yesterday because I was grungy from the pool and did not look up to standards. However, I did get a decent one which surprised me and its seen above. I feel like it captures the mood I've been in lately hence the reason I decided to post it. Maybe I'll try again some other day too and see what managed to form.

+ I'm really not motivated to get school related things done today, even though I probably should. Jeff's off recording his radio show, The Mulligan Show , and I'm sitting here having coffee and wanting to do more exciting things than study. I'm really in the mood to go to Ikea. I can't seem to get enough of that store and maybe I can get some new dishes, or some throw pillows, or a new frame, or a cactus. I have a few errands to run today too, nothing very important but at least I can use it as an excuse to get out of homework. But if worse comes to worse, I guess I wouldn't mind terribly if I could go sit at Starbucks, treat myself to a muffin and crank out some studying. The day will tell I guess.

+ My puppy obsession is just about as ridiculous as it's ever been. Seriously if I see someone walking a dog, not even a puppy, I have to stop myself from acting like a 5 year old and yelling "doggy" as I run up for a scratch behind the ear (for the dog I mean, just thought I'd clarify.) Our apartment manager called me yesterday to see if we were going to renew our lease and I couldn't have been happier to tell her "nope, sorry, we're moving." I just happened to leave out the part about moving so we could get our beloved puppy. The end of July can't come soon enough!

+ It is a mere 18 days until I get to go home for a few days for spring break. I'm very excited. That's all.

Friday, March 12, 2010

on a shift in personality

I've never been one to think about what's happened in my life and choose to write about it. Yes I'll look back at the things that have happened to me, the things I've been through and dealt with but it always stays in my head. I'm much more of an in-the-moment type of girl and typically believe that the past is past. I guess it might be a good quality, especially compared to the people that never seem to get over a traumatizing or life-changing event and you want to smack up-side the head and say "get over the break-up from middle school already." (Okay maybe that's a little much but you know what I mean) However, at the same time I sometimes see my closed past as a bad quality too, that I don't take enough time to think about my life and how I got here.

I sometimes have the attitude that "I am who I am" and believe that looking back isn't going to change that and who cares how it affected me.... What happens next? My assignment for my writing class happens to be a memoir, directed at one, individual moment in our past. I could be any moment from any time in our life as long as it was real, aka no dreams. Initially I dreaded it because I felt that looking into a moment of my life was pointless. I had more important things to take care of then sit and wonder about hidden meaning in a single event let alone form a coherent paper about with emotion and structure to turn in. Then I started to write....

While my first draft was not pretty, contained too many grammar and punctuation errors than I'd like to acknowledge, and was more stream-of-consciousness that required, I was somehow happy with it. With some revisions the paper started to take shape and ended up being something I was very proud of. Needless to say, I was shocked that 1. I was able to pull off a decent essay that would hopefully get the grade I wanted but more importantly, 2. that I liked, maybe even loved, the piece I had written. And I liked the way it made me feel.

Now would be the time that I copy and paste in my self-proclaimed masterpiece but I don't think I'm ready for that. To be honest, I almost wrote a second essay for my class because I wasn't comfortable with the transition from "never talking about a memory" to "having someone else read my writing about a memory." But I didn't write the second piece.

I'm proud of that too.

Maybe I'll go into more detail about the emotion behind me piece and the changes that it's made in my life since I simply wrote about it but we shall see. At least for now I have written my memoir piece and this is my favorite part...

I cannot say how long I sat in the grass or even what I was looking at. I have no recollection of what lay beyond my hill, what buildings were there or what people I saw. I don’t remember who attended the funeral or what I had to eat. I don’t remember the color of my dress or how much I had cried. I do remember feeling lighter as I stood up from those uncomfortable, wooden, bleached white chairs that seemed to be the only controlled item of the whole day. I do remember walking away from the family I had left and the friends who tried to understand. I do remember sitting in the damp grass and knowing that my life would be changed forever. I do remember the breeze.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

on who I am

i am...

... amazed how I am literally woken up some mornings, like this one, because my stomach is growling. How does that happen? I ate a big dinner last night and even indulged on a few delicious Samoa Girl Scout cookies before bed. A few years ago, I used to get sick to my stomach if I ate too soon after waking up and now my stomach has turned into a greedy beast that screams pancakes or omelets.

... sort of annoyed, yet still proud, that even with all the times I've gone to the gym this semester, nothing about my body is changing. I've been working out way more than I have since I've been in high school. And while I wasn't a significant victim of the dreaded "freshmen 15" I'm not in the same shape I was back then and that's what I want back. I guess its sort of a catch 22 because I can eat whatever I want and not have to think about calories or fat content and where it will be placed on my body... but at the same time, working out makes me want to see positive changes in my body too. Maybe my body's just slow? Yeah, that's it.

... feeling like the stress of MCAT studying hasn't fully reached the brim yet but that its hiding, waiting to explode. I try to study at least 3 days a week for at least a little while and I've made decent progress. As the procrastinator that I am I calculated yesterday, based on page numbers, that I am 62 percent of the way through my books. Which in my mind is farther than I thought I was. Yet I still have a sneaking suspicion that, come spring break, the steaming pot of stress is going to boil over... Hopefully since I have that feeling now I can act on it and prevent that from happening.

... missing home more and more lately. I think my mini-trip back to Littleton for spring break is going to be much needed. I love San Diego and the life I have here but there's something about home that's been calling on me lately. I miss my family, my puppy, meals I don't have to cook, shopping I don't have to do, and just the city of the 303. Maybe I miss just being a kid... maybe I just need a break.

... excited to go buy a new wet-suit for our dive trip to Antigua this summer. Mine doesn't fit anymore, which makes me want to go live on the treadmill till June, but none the less, I'm getting a new one.

... in need of my daily coffee. French vanilla or caramel? We shall see...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

on messy buns

My life lately has consisted of jeans, sweatshirts and messy buns. I have no shame being such a slob and don't care what people think when they see me on campus looking like I'm ready for bed. But really, when did this happen to me? When did I stop caring about looking good and getting dressed in the morning? I know a lot of it has to do with me dating Jeff now. He loves me for who I am and I don't need to cake on the make-up and wear heals just to have him love me.

But that's not why it bothers me. It bothers me because I used to be different. I used to get up extra early in high school just to curl every hair on my head and make sure I looked perfect before walking out of the house. Looking nice should not only be saved for "catching the right guy" or special occasions, which is what its come to at this point. It's shocking to me when I actually do put myself together and people I see all the time are amazed, saying "wow you have heals on" or "I didn't realize how long your hair is getting."

Yes I'm busier now and yes I have the perfect boyfriend. But I'm going to break out the nice jeans and the blow dryer, wear more than just t-shirts and a little mascara, and at least TRY to be more put together. I truly love looking great and it makes me feel so much better about myself. I just have to find a balance between the importance of the extra half hour of sleep and the feeling I get from being dressed up.

Monday, March 8, 2010

on my current state

I am thinking... I am very unmotivated to write an "opinion piece" when I have no opinion

I am thankful for... reruns of ER, I miss that show

From the kitchen... will come my espresso that I am in need for

I am wearing... sweats from high school, sorry, they're comfy

I am creating... dreams in my head...

I am going... to biochem lab tonight, hope we don't have to stay late

I am reading... Blink, a very interesting book about split decisions

I am hoping... I don't get too stressed out in the coming few months

I am hearing... the whirl of the fan and the tv, not very interesting

Around the house... are my wonderful balloons from special days this month, I love the thought behind them that I don't want to throw them away

One of my favorite things... is roasting in the sun on a hot summer day at the ballpark

A few plans for the rest of the week... classes and studying like usual, plus going back to hospice to volunteer

A picture to share...

I cannot wait for our vacation to Antigua this summer, it's definitely going to be much needed.


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